


it's impossible to tell (if my hands will ever warm up)

by kusuos



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, Depression, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:03:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28817517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kusuos/pseuds/kusuos
Summary: a breakup and a new beginning
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Sugawara Koushi, past Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru - Relationship
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	it's impossible to tell (if my hands will ever warm up)

**Author's Note:**

> based off of how to never stop being sad by dandelion hands

Oikawa learns from experience. Instinct is something you polish, a blade you sharpen until it can cut through almost anything. He never trusted his instincts around him, he ignored the little voice in the back of his head that said “You’re going to get hurt.” 

He brushed it off as anxiety, as the fear that always gripped him, the voices that said he’d never be good enough, that Tobio would replace him. 

Time proves that the best way to deal with things that he has no control over is to overanalyze until it all turns to lies, to think so hard that he doesn’t know what’s real and what’s not anymore. 

He was the one who cared too much, he thinks to himself; what else did he expect would happen? You put too much into a relationship and then get crushed when the other person doesn’t do the same. 

He still listens to the playlist that Iwaizumi made him, the songs they’d put on in the car together as they drove to practice. 

He reads deep into the words, the lyrics, a soft female voice singing “You and me, always forever,” and he laughs a sad laugh, because yeah right, always forever. 

Was there a warning sign that they were going to break, that the threads of gold connecting them were going to snap? 

He doesn’t even know anything anymore.

* * *

_“We don’t work anymore, hell what were we even thinking?”_

_Oikawa stares back at him. “I love you, and I thought you loved me too. You can't just-”_

_Iwaizumi stares back. “Why would I keep holding onto something that’s hurting me, we aren’t the same people we were when we started loving each other.”_

_He can feel tears threatening to pour out and start clouding his vision, but he steels himself, swearing he won’t end this in tears._

_“I’ve loved you all my life, and it’s the only thing I know how to do, I need to learn how to be my own person, Tooru.”_

_Oikawa knows he’s right, but he thought it was a good thing, that it was what happened when you loved someone: the lines between you became so blurred that you couldn't tell where one person ended and the other person began._

_“Goodbye then, Hajime,” he says. “Be free of me then.”_

_He turns away and leaves him. He’d meant to give him his engagement ring back, but he couldn't stand to look at him like that anymore,_

* * *

He misses him. 

He always missed him, even when he had to miss class for a doctor’s appointment, or he had to stay after school to study in the library, when they weren’t allowed to sleep over at the other’s house and he laid alone in bed. 

It’s different now. 

The longing pulls him apart, he spends every night staring at his phone, willing himself to delete his contact, still saved under “My Love”, or even to call, to get closure, to turn every single reminder of the fact that he’s alone into a bad dream, to get back together with him, to do _something._

He doesn’t even have the energy to play volleyball anymore. It’s not the same as it was with Iwaizumi, it’s hard, without the unconditional trust, the feeling of knowing that there was always going to be someone there to hit his tosses.

Oikawa doesn’t have the strength to fight it anymore, the crippling loneliness, the urge to just stay in bed and make friends with the darkness. 

He avoids his friends, if he can even call them that, they’re really just people from class, even though they’re really the only thing he has left, his family disowned him for getting engaged to Iwaizumi, they could never accept that he liked men. 

The voices get louder, telling him he must have done something horrible to deserve all of this, that his life is shit and it’s all his fault. He tore them apart, he loved him too much. 

He fades into the background, goes from the main character to an extra. It’s different, but he’ll learn to get used to it, learn how to find his own story. Just not now. 

He drowns every single one of his feelings in the bitter taste of beer, wincing at the taste. He’s been drinking for a while now, but it’s never made it taste any better. Eventually, he’ll learn to love the taste of it running down his throat, drinking the product of someone else’s pain.

Maybe one day he’ll find solace in the quiet, but for now he sits in the dark, bottle in hand, dried tears on his face, wishing that the boy he loved was there with him. 

The only good thing he still does is go out for coffee four times a week, bringing his sketchbook with him. He’s started drawing again, it was one of the only things that made him happy that wasn’t tied to Iwaizumi, one of the only things that he can do without thinking of him.

He always leaves doodles on his receipt, sometimes sketching the baristas, especially the silver haired one with the kind but knowing eyes, watching them smile as e leaves. 

Karasuno coffee is a sort of safe haven, somewhere where the dark can’t really reach him. His hands brush the cashier’s as he hands him his credit card and he can almost get himself to feel shy under his gaze. 

He keeps coming back. He knows he’s using it like a crutch, but he doesn’t care; at least he can get out of bed now. 

When he gets his iced coffee, the barista, Sugawara, according to his nametag, asks him if he wants to get coffee together sometime. 

“Not here, obviously, but like somewhere else?” 

He freezes in his tracks and stares into hazel eyes. It still feels like a betrayal to Iwaizumi and their lifetime long relationship for even thinking about it, but he thinks, “fuck it,” and nods. 

“I’d love that.” 

Moving on has to start somewhere, it may as well start there. He doesn’t have to get away from the loneliness, but having someone to share it with might be nice.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, please leave kudos and a comment if u enjoyed!


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